House Rules
by EllieShelly
Summary: "House," she turned to him, "could you, you know, not be you this week?" Cuddy invites House to spend the week with her family at her mother's house...and surprisingly, he plays along with her wish. What happens when nice House meets the parents?
1. Chapter 1

As the car pulled up outside the large house, Cuddy could feel the knot in her stomach twist and tighten. The twisting had begun, oh, about three and a half hours ago at the start of the drive and had been getting progressively worse since then, certainly not helped by the inane chatter of Rachel and the _other _baby in the car.

Other baby had been commenting on Cuddy's apparently irrational need to attend this family event, and her insane decision to bring him along. She'd spent the last two years of their relationship pathologically avoiding House from meeting her family, and had just woken up one day - about a week ago - and had decided that he should go with them.

After many sexual favours and the promise of many more to come, he'd agreed. How bad could one week be? And admittedly, it _was _with the Cuddy family - and only the female Cuddy adults as the only male member was currently six feet under. House grimaced, realising not for the first time that he was in for an oestrogen fest. And a kid-fest. He had enough trouble dealing with Cuddy's one, and thankfully pretty docile, four year old. Let alone the _five _devil spawn that Julia had popped out over the last decade.

She'd given him a crash course, names and ages and so on, but he hadn't been paying much attention, not when the blouse she'd been wearing had been virtually see through and aimed right in his face. All he'd gathered was that there were five, and...well, that's about it. Cuddy's cleavage was more captivating than she liked to think.

House was not looking forward to this one week Easter Cuddyfest that he'd been blackmailed into attending - well, not blackmailed per say, more like worn down by blow jobs and the idea of more blow jobs on the horizon - as it wasn't at Julia's house, as he'd first believed. It was at _Mother Cuddy's _establishment.

House grimaced again when he thought about the fact that he was voluntarily going to be sleeping and eating and breathing in the same space as the famous Evelyn Cuddy - Cuddy had given him a crash course to her also, though she'd been wearing sweats and pajamas, so he'd heard every, single detail - for the next week. _Shudder._

Thank the Lord that the last man Cuddy had introduced to her family had been Lucas. Seeming more impressive and worthy than the manchild couldn't be _that _hard. Especially if House had his game face on.

He glanced over to Cuddy, who knuckles were white as they gripped the steering wheel as she parked. He _knew _how paranoid she was being about this trip and the laboured breathing she'd been doing for the whole drive either meant that she was pushing a child out - which given her officially barren status he doubted - or she was doing her yoga relaxation breathing. And although the current wheezing was _highly _irritating, House could put up with it as long as she continued with the yoga. He hadn't realised just _quite _how bendy Cuddy could actually be, and safe to say, he appreciated it.

The car slid into it's stop position and Cuddy turned off the ignition, but stayed where she was. House watched her mouth something that looked suspiciously like, _please please please, _to herself before whipping round and saying brightly to Rachel, "ready to see your cousins?"

"Yay!" Rachel squealed, clapping her little hands together. While Rachel never showed any malice nor dislike to being an only child, she was evidently aware that brothers and sisters were _not _mythical beings and did really exist... As proved by her soccer team of cousins. And while she seemed content being the sole receiver of her mother's attention at home - aside from the large chunk House insisted on having - a week with five additional kids to play with at all times certainly had it's perks.

Cuddy deftly unbuckled her seatbelt and got out, walking round to open Rachel's child-locked door and hoist her out of her booster seat. House exited the car too, but merely stretched out his leg, having had it curled up in the cramped legroom for far too long.

After House had successfully relieved some of the tension in his muscle, he turned to actually look at Casa de Cuddy. And boy, was it impressive. It was a mansion of a house, all creamy brickwork with ivy trailing up the side and large glass windows on the three visible floors.

"Wow," House acknowledged, "I didn't know you were _quite _so rich, Cuddles."

"_Don't _call me that," she warned, sending him a black look. "Call me Lisa."

House frowned. "Lisa? But I never call you Lisa."

"And my family don't call me Cuddy," she reasoned, "and I want you to make a good impression."

Of course she did. She'd been obsessing about this trip for weeks, and now that they were finally here Cuddy realised that the stress was just beginning. "House," she turned to him, "could you, you know, not be _you _this week?"

He smirked. "You think your family won't like me?"

"_I_ don't like you half the time!" She countered, to House's amusement.

"And the other half, you love me," he replied, "so logically, so will they. Isn't that right, Lisa?" He frowned at the use of her first name. "Hmm... Doesn't sound right. How about... Boobs McSexyAss?"

Cuddy slapped a concerned hand to her forehead while Rachel's mouth settled into an 'o' of shock and surprise. "Mommy," she whispered, tugging on the bottom of Cuddy's shirt, "he said _ass._"

"I know," Cuddy sneered at him. "But you mustn't, sweetheart."

"Why not?" She inquired, with the innocence that only a child could possess. House didn't like Rachel most of the time - she was the main reason of Cuddy withholding sex - but there were the rare moments of amusement that House quite liked observing.

"Because it's bad word," Cuddy said absentmindedly, taking the two cases out of the boot - God forbid that House actually _help _her with anything.

"But _House _gets to say it," Rachel said slyly reminding her so much of House himself in that moment that Cuddy thought about reexamining how much time she left her daughter in House's unsupervised care.

"There are a lot of things that House gets to do that you can't," House cut in smoothly, reaching over and snatching Rachel's beloved bear out of her arms. "Like that," he taunted, waving the bear over his head.

"Mama!" Rachel wailed, while throwing herself at House and thwacking her head on his stomach in her fruitless attempts to retrieve her bear. "Mama, he's being mean!" She whimpered, giving up and collapsing on the floor. Rachel was not particularly a fan of driving anywhere, let alone for three hours straight - it was the one bad thing about visiting Nana - and being teased as soon as she'd vacated the car was just a plain bad idea.

Cuddy shot House the look that said "if you do not give her back to toy you may find that the next time you wake up your balls will be in the next room". It was utterly amazing how much she could convey with just the slight narrowing of her eyes. Or that when her eyes were hooded House knew she had some seriously X-rated thoughts scrolling across her pre-frontal cortex. "House," she warned.

"Okay pipsqueak," House sighed melodramatically. "Here." He threw the teddy roughly on the ground.

Rachel leapt for him, but didn't make it in time. "Wilson!" She squealed, picking up the furball and cradling him close.

House frowned. "You called your teddy _Wilson?_"

"Wilson gave him to her for her fourth birthday," Cuddy hissed to him, "which you would remember had you not been drunk out of your mind."

"Kid's parties bore me," he said simply, as if that were explanation enough for collapsing in front twenty screaming kids, with everyone thinking it was some horrible medical thing and only Cuddy smelling the Scotch that was leaking out of his pores.

"Mommy," Rachel whimpered, "Wilson's arm is hurt." She held out the fuzzy limb for inspection.

House was to scoff that 'Wilson' would be fine and that she was being overdramatic, but Cuddy pinched his back before he could even open his mouth. "Oh no," Cuddy sympathised, leaning down and surveying the injury. Of course, he was only covered in a little gravel dust. "Shall I kiss it better?"

House wrinkled his nose at the idea of kissing furry dust. "Yes please," Rachel said meekly, and Cuddy obliged. She then proceeded to plant a multitude of kisses on Rachel's adorable face.

"All better?" She asked.

"Yes!" Rachel leapt up. "I want to see my cousins now!"

Perfect timing as ever, a brunette head poked out from behind the big oak door. "Lisa!" A woman - who House assumed must be the _other _Cuddy - shouted, running over and embracing Lisa warmly. House knew that however much competition there was between them, their father's death had brought them back together again. Still, naturally, the state of competition existed. While Cuddy was the one with the amazing career, Julia had a loving husband and five bundles of joy. It was as if they couldn't have both, just one. And while Cuddy had admitted that sometimes she was jealous of Julia's life, House was sure that Julia was equally jealous that Cuddy was highly respected professionally while she was just a housewife.

"And Rachel!" She exclaimed, taking the cherubic face in her palms and pressing smacking kisses to her cheeks. "You're so big!"

Rachel smiled bashfully, but giggled all the same. "Where is Georgia?" She asked, referring to her four year old cousin.

Julia grinned. "In the pool, honey." It was then that a loud shriek was heard from behind the house, accompanied by the sound of water splashing.

House raised his eyebrows. "There's a _pool?_"

"Yeah," Cuddy admitted, "Julia, this is House."

Julia shook his hand. "Yes, I've heard a lot about you," she said coyly.

"The same to you to - though all good things of course," he replied, with a warm edge to his voice.

Cuddy stared at him in disbelief. She used House as her venting board - about work, herself and especially her family, and everything in-between. Her sister was an sore point, and House knew that. And she was expecting him to exploit that in the most evil way possible - hence the crippling fear of coming here.

"Shall we go in?" House said warmly, picking up the cases like a gentleman.

"Your leg - " Cuddy started, but House shushed her.

"I wouldn't make you carry them, sweetie," he assured, kissing her cheek while Julia looked on fondly.

While her sister and House chatted companionably about God knows what, Cuddy merely stood there. _Sweetie? _House never called her sweetie. Nor baby, or honey, or _any _term of endearment past "Nice rack." And just after they'd arrived he was being _nice? WHAT? _

Then she remembered her earlier words: _"House," she turned to him, "could you, you know, not be you this week?"_

Hmm... Was he finally playing by her rules? Or was this going to backfire spectacularly?

Realising that there was only one way to find out, she headed inside.


	2. Chapter 2

Stepping through the huge door, House raised his eyebrows at the house's incredible decor and interior. There was an enormous winding staircase with a glossy banister just to the left, and the wall leading up was lined with beautiful, professional photographs of all the many Cuddys. He could see some ones of his own Cuddy, smiling and laughing with Julia and another woman who he assumed was her mother, the legendary Evelyn Cuddy.

House had heard a lot about her. While Cuddy would moan about her sister and alternate between crying and shouting about her late father, she only ever had good words to say about her mother. House knew that she was very close to her, and had been her entire life, but especially since she lost her father a few years ago.

House also knew that Cuddy wanted her mother's approval, almost a pathologically as she'd craved her father's. And her mother liking her current boyfriend was a pretty important part of approval. And Cuddy evidently didn't think she would approve, which is why she'd held off for three years before introducing them.

He wanted Cuddy to _not _to hate him for screwing this up, but he still wasn't sure if he could be tender and loving and attentive for a whole week. That took commitment, something House wasn't so good with. Then again, he had a feeling that he might _have _to be good if he wanted to survive. Cuddy wasn't going to let him screw this up without a fight.

So he decided to do what he did best. Manipulate and lie so he got what he wanted. He'd lie about his jerk-ness and get lots of dirty Cuddy sex. Win, win - sort of.

He'd though that Cuddy's wealth had come from her current extremely impressive salary and years of careful - albeit boring - saving. That she'd made her money by working really hard. Not that he didn't think she worked hard, he hastened to add, since her hours were no joke. But he now realised that she must have a trust fund tucked away somewhere, or be receiving some hefty cash gifts from mommy. Well, maybe not now, but certainly earlier in life.

As he glanced at Cuddy, he was warmed slightly by the look of happiness that was spreading across her face. He knew that she wished she could come back more often, always having a soft spot for her childhood home. And what a childhood she must have had, he thought, looking around the spacious room again. While House himself hadn't been quite this rich as a child, they hadn't done badly. But he could see from the dreamy expression she was wearing that she obviously had many fond memories here.

But suddenly his own expression turned to one of horror as a parade of tiny, screaming, wet people slid in, shaking water everywhere, probably having just left the pool. There was a chorus of "mommy mommy mommy!" from all of them, Rachel's directed at Cuddy and the rest at Julia. While the mothers were tending to their offspring, House did a headcount and was surprised to see eight little heads crowing to Julia.

He leaned over to Cuddy. "I thought you said she had five? What, did she pop out three more when you weren't looking?"

"She does have five," Cuddy whispered, "those are her husband's sister's kids."

House's eyes widened. "Why is her husband's sister here?"

"Because it's a family thing," Cuddy said absentmindedly, more focused on Rachel's hurried explanation of why she needed her swimming costume _right now. _With House now wondering just quite how many children he was going to have to contend with, Cuddy went and snapped open the suitcase, pulling out Rachel's pink spotted bikini. "Here you go, sweetheart," she smiled, and Rachel grabbed the costume and took off at a run, after her cousins who were back in the pool. "Be careful!" Cuddy shouted, hearing the shrieks.

They undoubtedly didn't hear her and continued to splash. Cuddy looked worried, but Julia soothed her. "Don't worry Lise, mom's out there with them," she explained, and House saw her eyes light up at the mention of her mother.

He knew she was about to leave to go and see her, but he still had his "nice boyfriend" image to keep up, so he had to jump in quickly. "I'll take the bags up, sweetheart," he said sweetly, and Cuddy whipped to stare at him, bemused. "You go and spent some time with your mom. I know how much you've missed her." He reached out and grabbed her hand, while she mouthed: _What are you doing?_

"Greg's right," Julia said decidedly, staring on at House fondly, but still as though she couldn't quite figure him out. "Go and see mom. God knows she's been excited about seeing you! I'll show Greg your room."

"That would be perfect, Julia," House smiled, and Julia just looked on, pleasantly surprised but also confused.

She knew that her sister had been dating him for three years or so now, and that for the most part, the image she painted of their relationship was tenuous, but happy. But even when she seemed blissfully in love, she'd _never _used the words caring and sweet to describe him. In fact, Julia had got the image that he was rude and often mean, as well as having no boundaries or respect for others. She was aware that some of this information came from a time when they weren't together, but still. She'd expected him to be...different. Not like this.

She was happy that Lisa was happy - she needed someone there for her, what with the hectic life and the job and the daughter - but she'd not expected him. Greg seemed...wonderful. Offering to do things for her, being demonstrative and kind, all the things a partner should be. _And _he was pretty easy on the eyes, Julia had to admit. Lisa had chosen well.

Cuddy gave House one more cursory look before walking out through the glass doors into the garden. They both heard the happy cries of "Lisa!" as soon as she was out of sight. Julia turned to him. "This way," she instructed, pointing toward the stairs.

House nodded gratefully, then picked up the bags and followed her up, marvelling at the sheer _size _of the place. They ended up in a spacious corridor, with what must have been a dozen doors extending off it. If he lived here, he didn't know what he'd _put _in all the rooms. And now Cuddy's mother lived here alone... God knows what she did with the space.

"Here's your room," Julia gestured, opening a door and revealing an immaculate bedroom, which looked more the bed chamber in a palace rather than the bedroom in a family home. "I hope you two enjoy," she said. "Rachel is down the hall, sharing with her cousin. But maybe you could leave her things in here for now?"

"Sound perfect," House repeated, not sure what to say. He had decided to commit to his "nice" plan, but that didn't mean he had answers to benign statements and questions already figured out. For the moment he'd have to bluff it, and think up some material later.

He watched as thankfully Julia turned to leave, but just as she reached the door again, she spun round, wearing an expression that reminded House of Cuddy. "I have to say," she started, looking bashful, "you're not at all what I expected."

House paused. "Is that...good or bad?" He asked tentatively, putting on his best "I'm deeply in love with your sister" face. True, he _guessed _he was in love with her, but he didn't show it by his expressions usually. He stopped and realised how sad it was that he couldn't admit he loved her to his own mind.

"Oh, good, definitely," Julia beamed, realising that she may have lead him to think something that wasn't true. "It's just...Lisa didn't describe you in any way like you are."

"Really?" He replied, with mock-shock. "What did she say?" He asked, glad they were getting into something that he could do automatically, like respond to the things Cuddy said about him and the way she described him to other people.

"That you were...well, a little abrasive," Julia said delicately, obviously trying to be careful with her word choices. "And...not so...attentive."

"Me?" House exclaimed, with excellently faked outrage. "When did she say that?" He demanded, forcefully enough that she would want to tell him, but not forcefully enough that she would get an irrational idea of him being a controlling wife-beater into her head. Her cunning, sly little head, he had to admit. The Cuddys obviously were a skillful, although evil, breed. What kind of sister brings up what bad things her sister has said in confidence about her boyfriend to her? A manipulative, jealous one, that's who. Just seeing the look on her face made House even more determined to be the perfect Cuddy boyfriend.

This wasn't just about sex anymore. This was about pride, about love, about...not letting bitchy underachieving sisters get into his - or his girl's - head.

Fight the power!

"Oh... Just occasionally," Julia said, and House - being obsessive compulsive about noticing things - saw the tiny lip twitch she gave as she said that. Evil, calculating witch! She obviously _was _related to Cuddy, though she couldn't measure up in the ass or boobs department.

In fact, as House realised Julia's scheming ways, House couldn't help but have a nice side order of contempt for the woman. So you're a stay at home mom? So what? That was a choice _you _made. And yet you're so bitter about it that you immediately try and sabotage your sister's first - Lucas doesn't count - proper relationship since you could remember? Especially when you think he's a nice person? (Doesn't matter that he's not.) Just not cool.

In any other place, House would be planning a suitable revenge, complete with a helping of snide, soul-destroying remarks... But no, he told himself. He'd made a deal with himself, and deal for Cuddy, and he had to stick for it. He assumed that Cuddy knew about Julia's extreme bitch syndrome, but whatever, she was family, so Cuddy had to lump it. House, on the other hand, wasn't bound to Cuddy by blood - at least, he hoped not, otherwise everything else they'd been doing was _so _wrong - and therefore was technically expellable (not that Cuddy ever would.)

So instead, he gritted his teeth and stood there, while Julia continued to plough on. "When we speak, she mentions it. But, of course, only sometimes!" She fake hastened to add. "And we only speak once every two weeks or so..."

_Liar, _House thought. Did this woman _really _think that Cuddy didn't mention when she spoke to her - which was only once a month, if that - especially when every conversation had to be accompanied with a bout of venting and House repeating for the _billionth _time that "we can't choose our family."

House shrugged. "It's healthy to need somewhere to...vent." He answered.

"Of course!" Julia flapped her hands. "I need somewhere to vent from my husband as well."

_And I would bet my life that he needs somewhere to vent from you, _House thought, bored by the conversation and wishing - _praying _- for an escape. There was a point where even dedicated nice House couldn't be bothered to pretend to enjoy being okay with Cuddy apparently whining about him behind his back. Don't get him wrong, he didn't care if she whinged. He did his own fair share of that to Wilson about her, it was necessary to be together to have some personal space. But listening to a boring conversation about something he had no vested interest in was not something he was about to suffer through, bet or no bet.

He'd still be nice, just not quite _that _nice. And anyway, _that _nice would be creepy, and inhuman. Everyone had a bit of leeway to be jerk.

Their tense silence was interrupted by the screams of children who were high on excitement and large amounts of sugar. "Duty calls," Julia smiled, and House forced a smile back. She left the room quickly, running down to her children, and House let out the breath he'd been holding for the last twenty minutes before flopping down on the plush pillows of the bed.

Shuffling over so his cheeks found a comfortable groove in the mattress, House debated what he'd got himself into. Indiscriminate niceness for an entire _week? _He wasn't sure if his skills stretched to great feat. He was now regretting everything... Agreeing to come to this Cuddy family soiree was number one on the list.

He heard a loud sounds of laughter coming from downstairs and realised that a big part of being nice was interacting with others, even when his anti-social tendencies were showing through. So, with great effort, he swung his legs over the side and spun his cane round in the air, preparing for this.

All the bright and happy smiles of a family reunited, before the inevitable family fighting began. It was funny watching them all chatty, knowing that it would eventually blow up against them. It was like watching a car crash about to happen... Something which House relished. So maybe, just maybe, going downstairs might not be such a bad thing.

With a renewed sense of vigour in his step, he went downstairs.

.

"Greg!" Cuddy said, and House nearly laughed out loud at the use of his first name. There was a reason that they rarely used each other's first names... It sounded just downright _awkward. _

"Yes, sweetie?" He asked, remembering to add the puke-worthy cutesy nickname to the end. In his head he was currently coming up with new ones: "baby" "honey" "babe"...and maybe the more adventurous "doll face" "sugar tits" "tight ass" though he thought that using those in front of her family might be against his "nice" plan.

"This is my mother," she said proudly, stepping aside to reveal a smiling grey-haired woman who was obviously Cuddy's mother... You could clearly see the similarity between the two, and House had no doubt that in her younger days he could potentially have been as into her as he was into Cuddy... Though he quickly erased those thoughts from his mind before he shook her hand.

"Hi," he said warmly, exuding welcoming and happiness, "I'm Greg House."

"Evelyn Cuddy," she replied, in a sweet voice that reminded House of Cuddy again. It was creepy just how alike they were. Shooting a quick glance to Julia - who was busy with two of the five squealing offspring - he wondered if the closeness of Cuddy and Evelyn was yet _another _sore point between them. God, this sibling relationship did have a lot stacked up against it.

"So..." She smiled coyly, "you're the guy who's been doing - "

"Mom!" Cuddy exclaimed, swatting her mother's arm. "_So _not appropriate."

House shuffled his feet awkwardly, trying not to laugh at Evelyn's audacity. If she was this blunt all the time, he was thinking that he could really try to get along with her... Though maybe that was why Cuddy had put off this meeting.

Either way, it was interesting, and House would have fun trying to deconstruct her psyche to find out why.

"No," House smiled, "I think it's very appropriate. In fact, I think that it's completely fine to discuss - "

"No!" Cuddy waved her arms between them. "No! In _no way _is this appropriate _or _up for discussion. Just drop it." She swept a hand across her brow, while Evelyn glanced up and..._winked? _at him.

House was surprised. Did she just _wink? _

The great elder Cuddy was winking at a guy half her age, her daughter's partner, after making a sex reference... God, he loved this woman.

"Mommy?" Rachel tugged on Cuddy's shirt. "I need to..."

Cuddy frowned for a moment, before realising what her daughter was on about. "Oh... Okay honey, I'll take you."

House listened to the subject matter intently, then saw a golden opportunity to get down with the niceness. He knew that House's refusal to bond or even attempt to bond with Rachel was something that Cuddy found extremely difficult and was a major fighting point in their relationship. House loved Cuddy, all parts of her, but the spawn was something he still had trouble with. He spent time with her, watched cartoons with her, and bickered with her, but none of it really meant anything to him.

Interacting with her would surely earn him many brownie points with Cuddy. "Rachel," he said clearly, spur of the moment decision, "I'll take you."

The look that crossed Rachel's face could only be described as one of pure horror. "No." She said stubbornly, "no."

"Why?" Cuddy asked, smoothing Rachel's downy hair over her forehead, and feeling that the question was pointless because she already knew the answer.

"I don't like him," Rachel whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear. House honestly didn't really care, but he knew that he should, so he put on a hurt face.

"Really?" He asked, bending down to her level. "Come on," he beckoned, "come with me, Rach."

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him, her little brain working over time to try and work out why he was acting so differently to her suddenly.

"Sweetie," Cuddy pushed her shoulder gently, "go with him."

"Okay..." Rachel said cautiously, still clinging tightly to Cuddy. After another gentle shoulder push, she shuffled nervously over to him still wearing a look that said "I know you're up to something."

He took her little palm in his and lead her out of the room, pretending not to see the longing glances that Rachel was shooting back to her mother. As soon as they were out of the room and up the stairs, House turned to Rachel and hoisted her onto his good side.

"Hey!" She grumbled indignantly. "Put me down!"

"Just wait," he said, pushing open the door to reenter his and Cuddy's lavish bedroom. "Look," he said, placing her down on the bed, "wait a second."

"I need to pee!" She whined.

"Here," he said triumphantly, holding out a bag of cherry flavoured lollipops. "Every time you are good and sweet with me... Treat me like - for lack of a better word - your dad, you get a lolly."

She looked on suspiciously, raising an eyebrow in only the way that a kid can. "Really?"

"Really."

"Okay..." She said, taking the unwrapped lolly from his hands and putting it in her mouth.

"Okay what?" He prompted.

"Okay, daddy," she edited, giving him her big girl smile, sucking thoughtfully on the lollipop, wondering what was going on with him, but not caring, because she got lollipops, and that was all that mattered.


	3. Chapter 3

Rachel perched on the end of the bed, sucking her lollipop contentedly while House grumbled about how long it was taking her. They'd been gone for about fifteen minutes already and House knew that Cuddy would get suspicious soon and come looking for them, and would certainly _not _be pleased that he was giving her additional unrefined sugar. She'd already given her some cookies in the car to stop her whinging and as she enforced Sugar Consumption Law with an iron fist House knew that she would be mightily pissed off as he'd disobeyed her.

But it was necessary. While House knew that secretly - though it may take her a while to realise this - Cuddy was going to enjoy him being nice and normal, Rachel wasn't going to pretend. She would blow the whole operation by blurting out that House was mean and refusing to interact with him in a normal way. Therefore, bribery became the best option. House had used sweets and chocolate manipulation many times before, especially when Cuddy left him to babysit.

It did amaze him how she actually believed that Rachel was happy to bathed, changed and tucked in by him. During the day she wanted nothing to do with him, but at night, that's when she needed him? Not bloody likely. House thought that Cuddy knew on some level that it was too good to be true, but she overlooked it. She spent so much of her personal time trying to get House and Rachel to interact nicely that when it happened anyway - even aided by confectionary - she was just going to turn a blind eye and pretend for a few hours that her daughter and her boyfriend didn't hate each other's guts.

On the contrary, House didn't hate Rachel. Sure, he disliked that she was always around, asking incessant questions and pedantically asking about everything, but he guessed that if he had to have a kid in his life she wasn't the absolute worst option. She was relatively quiet, but curious, and she didn't move his things or eat his food or act overly affectionate to him. No, she lived her little five year old life, with nothing to worry about other than whether Jimmy at school _meant _to leave a heart on a piece of paper on her desk or whether it was really meant for Rose and how the lunch board _said_that Wednesday would be roast chicken but was actually pizza and that if she'd _known _that she would have bought instead of bringing a pack lunch.

Tiny, insignificant things that Cuddy relished listening to and House blocked out, purely because he might go insane if he was forced to hear about Caitlyn's new pink high tops one more time. Honestly, those bloody shoes had been the sole receiver of Rachel's want and affection for days.

While Rachel and Cuddy would curl up on the couch together and Rachel would describe in unnecessary detail her entire day, House would not sit with them. He didn't have to, she wasn't his kid, blah blah blah. But he would often find himself sitting at the table or reading in the chair, so he could still hear and see them. He would block out the noise - it held no interest for him - but he liked to watch Cuddy's face while she listened.

Her eyes would sparkle and she would grin, relishing in the mundane joys of motherhood. And while House would never really understand it, he knew that she needed this. She needed Rachel to make her happy in the ways that House could never. He knew that she loved him, and that he did, in fact, make her happy. It may sound unrealistic - especially when the two of them were screaming at each other - but that was the way they were. It was how they functioned, and how they worked.

It was dysfunctional and convoluted and honestly, he wouldn't have it any other way. But he knew that they only reason that Cuddy didn't need all her happiness facilitated by him was because of Rachel. Rachel gave her that unconditional unadulterated love and need that Cuddy craved. As Rachel was still young, Cuddy was her entire world. Mommy this, and Mommy that, and no matter what happened, she must check with Mommy first, because Mommy knew _everything._

And while he would never understand Cuddy need for that, he knew it was very real. And so he enjoyed having the kid around as long as it kept everything that way it was. He didn't like change, he didn't want change, and as long as this worked for them, there wouldn't be change.

He was shaken out of his reverie by Rachel pawing at his jacket sleeve and staring at him imploringly. "House," she pleaded, big eyes wide and shining, "I need to pee."

House nodded, remembering why he'd brought her up here in the first place. And watching her cross her legs and squirm he guessed he was getting close to having one unhappy urine soaked child standing in front of him. "Come on," he said gruffly, taking her little hand in his. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Out there," she hopped in front him, looking extremely uncomfortable, and pointed to the door leading into the upstairs hallway. "It's by Nana's room," she muttered, pulling on his broad hand until he began to shuffle along behind her.

Together they went down the hall, Rachel squirming and wriggling more and more with each step. "House," she said urgently.

"Alright, kid," he agreed and hoisted her up onto side. He moved as quickly as he could, knowing that if she peed it would go all over his jacket. Plus, then Cuddy would ask what the hell he was doing up here for twenty minutes that resulted in Rachel peeing herself, and no doubt Rachel would be so upset that she would blurt out everything, lollipop deal and all, to her disapproving mother.

Crash, bang, wallop, Cuddy mad and them fighting and family thinking he's a selfish bastard who has no place being with their daughter/sister. And _that _would put an abrupt end to this week, and forever more have him seen as prick.

"Which one?" He asked her when confronted by a sea of doors. Jesus, he could see six doors in front of him and judging by Rachel's squirm rate he didn't know if he had time to check all of them before it was all moot.

"Uh..." Rachel deliberated, biting her lip. "That one," she decided, pointing to the closest door. House rolled his eyes. She obviously had no idea which one, but her guess was as good as any, so he opened the door and peered into the room.

He was met by the most extensive collection of toys and games and books and general kid _crap _that he'd ever seen. Piles and piles of stuffed animals and robots and dolls littered the floor and the shelves and the couch in the corner.

It was an explosion of kaleidoscope colour and it was burning House's eyes. He thought Rachel's piles of toys were too much, but this? _This _was something else. No child could need this many toys - especially since none of them actually lived here.

He knew that Julia's husband's sister's children were also here, but he knew that that was a one off. Usually the Cuddy family weekends were exclusively Cuddy, but this week was apparently a massive family deal... Which meant that this horrific display unnecessarily spent money was only for Rachel and the other five spawn. Really, who needs two two-metre-long emerald alligators?

_No _amount of children needed this many toys. While House was standing there in awe of the room, Rachel was squirming and hitting his shoulders. "House!" She said shrilly. "I _have _to _pee!_"

He rolled his eyes. Damn kids with their damn minuscule bladders. Leaving the rainbow room - which had made him feel a little ill, baby paraphernalia always evoked an unpleasant physical response in him - he raced through, banging open door after door until he arrived in a sea life tiled bathroom.

"There you go," he exhaled, placing her down. "Do your thing."

She nodded and he stepped out, waiting outside for her. If she needed help, he'd give it to her, but since she was a very capable five year old he had no doubt she could pee, wipe and wash all by herself like a big girl.

He leaned against the wall, feeling as if he'd dodged a bullet. A bullet made of kid pee, that is. He was jerked back to the world when he heard the sound of footsteps pattering up the stairs. Straining his ears, he ascertained that it wasn't a child, there was no screaming or giggling and the sounds of the feet were too dense to belong to kid. Therefore, it was an adult, which left him with six options. Cuddy, Mother Cuddy, Julia, Julia's husband, and the other two.

Either Cuddy or Evelyn would have been acceptable, so he hoped that it was one of them. The thing was, Evelyn was quite old and whoever this was bounding up the stairs so he doubted it was her. He tried to remember whether Cuddy had been wearing heels or not - the sounds were too light for stilettos - and decided that he had no clue, and that he should pay more attention to her feet.

But, thankfully, he heard, "House?" Called up the stairs, in a voice that was unmistakably Cuddy's.

"Yeah?" He called back, amused by the frown he saw on her face when it came into view. "What's up, snookums?" He crowed, smirking at her expression.

"What have you done with my daughter?" She crossed her arms. "I only let you take her because I like you two interacting. If I thought you were going to _kidnap _her then I would have taken her myself. Where is she?"

"Kidnap her?" House said with mock outrage.

"It doesn't take anyone twenty minutes to pee." Cuddy reasoned, and House nodded agreeably.

"No, it doesn't, and she's just in there," he nodded, "we took a detour."

"A detour?" She repeated incredulously. "A detour _where?_ Down the hall?" Cuddy was confused. It wasn't like there was anywhere to go up here. She wasn't annoyed - in fact (whatever his motives) she liked that he'd volunteered - but she was wondering what was going on. Whether he had some elaborate plan to woo her family or not, he didn't have to woo Rachel. She had her opinion of him, and he of her.

"To the, uh, puke inducing toy factory," House answered, and Cuddy furrowed her eyebrows.

"You mean the playroom?" She clairified, smiling. He must have willingly sat with Rachel and listened to her, or even _played _with her for a little to have taken this long. Maybe this happy House act might have some lasting impressions.

"Yeah. _That._"

She chuckled. "You think it's too extravagant?"

"I think that it is a display of craziness and loneliness to have an entire room full of crap because you feel like you need to buy children's affection," he said after a moment, with a light edge to his voice, quasi serious but mainly jokey.

"This may come as a surprise to you," she replied, "but Julia brings the kids down a lot. I don't, because I have no time and the drive's too long and it's just a giant pain in the ass, but the other's are here almost once a week. So it makes sense for them to have toys here."

While she was trying to keep her tone light, House could sense some animosity in that statement. He assumed it was the bit about her not visiting so much... And whether it was a simultaneous dig at him, he wasn't sure.

She was her own woman, she did as she wished. And she wanted to visit her mother, then that was her choice. Sure, he preferred her being around but just because he didn't share the same family spirit as her didn't mean she couldn't have her own values.

In fact, if she _was _mad at him, he was going to be royally mad at her back. She had _no right _to be angry because he didn't want to do cutesy family things with her. If she wanted them, then she had to make them happen.

"I know I should come down here more often," she said sadly. "I just...never find the time."

And then House realised that she wasn't mad at him. She was mad at herself. And that wasn't fair either.

He didn't ever say this to her - he assumed that it went without saying - but no matter how much they fought or what he said to her, he did respect her. And he understood that she dealt with a uge amount, both personally and professionally.

He knew that no matter what she did, she felt like she was always putting something on a side burner. And then she felt guilty about not visiting her mother enough? Come on, her mom was obviously not bitter about it, and he hated that Cuddy might feel that.

"You're busy," he shrugged, "it's not a big deal that you don't drive three hours every weekend to stay for an hour and then drive all the way back."

"I know," she sighed, alerted to the sound of flushing and a tap being turned on. "Honey, are you okay in the there?" She called to Rachel.

"Yes!" She called back, sounding a little hurried.

Cuddy turned to House. "Do you - "

"She is fine," he said with finality. "It's not like the greatest feat of mankind. Eons of people have mastered this."

Suddenly, the door opened. Rachel stood there, looking a little sheepish as they both turned down to look at her. It wasn't because she'd done anything wrong, but because she knew that they had been talking and had stopped 'cause she came in.

She hated to feel like they were keeping secrets from her. It was like when Mommy had been upset and had been telling House why, but as soon as Rachel had come in - just because she wanted to give Mommy a big hug to make her feel better! - they acted like nothing was wrong.

She didn't like it. She hated to feel like she was out of the loop, just because she was little! She knew what was going on most of the time, and even when she _didn't _- like when House used big medical words - she could understand if they _explained. _

Narrowing her eyes, she said, "what were you talking about?"

"Nothing baby," Cuddy smiled, scooping up her daughter and placing her on her hip. "We were just going to go downstairs. It's lunchtime."

House gave a mental groan. An entire lunch time of joy and family happiness? Ugh, he wasn't sure if he could handle it. But nevertheless, he put a brave smile on his face and nodded at the two of them. "Yes, let's go and have lunch."

The three trooped downstairs, Rachel babbling something about one of her cousins who'd pushed her in the pool, so she'd splashed him. Why Cuddy enjoyed hearing this drivel House would never know, but there was that trademark grin again, relishing in what Rachel was telling her.

They entered the dining room where everyone was already assembled. "Oh God," House muttered, quietly enough that nobody else heard. At one end of the table were eight chubby little faces, smiling and cooing and gurgling, and banging for their food. Rachel scrambled down and joined them and watching her merge with the sea of faces, he couldn't help but be thankful of Cuddy's apparent lack of desire for another one.

"Greg!" Julia smiled, "you can sit here." She pointed to a chair beside another man - one who House noticed didn't seem too thrilled to be there. He had a despondent expression and was wearing a matching wedding ring to Julia.

"You must be the husband," House shook his hand.

"Matthew," he said gratefully, glancing at the other people at the table. "This is my sister Tess and her husband Nathan."

"Pleasure," House answered, sitting in the assigned seat and watching as Cuddy took hers across from him. He realised that Julia - or probably Evelyn - had set it this way so they couldn't talk to each other without everyone else hearing.

Then Evelyn appeared in the doorway, covered by some shimmering lemon sarong - which House admitted she was brave to try and pull off - and holding a large wooden bowl filled with salad. She placed down on the table beside the rest of the meal. "Let the feeding commence," she smiled, and laughed as the children lunged for their food.

As House found himself sprayed with lettuce and saw a spattering of ketchup splash onto his shirt, he raised his eyebrows. _Let the feeding commence indeed. _


	4. Chapter 4

"So, Greg," Julia smiled sweetly, neatly dodging a spatter of tomato ketchup that had flown her way. Apparently she'd never taught her spawn to hold and squeeze a bottle at the same time. Even _Rachel _could do that. "What's it like being a diagnostician?"

Cuddy rolled her eyes, which House saw and chuckled inwardly. He knew as well as Cuddy that Julia was trying to suck up and be all sweet, playing "ooh he's a doctor" lark and swoon, which, frankly, was getting old. She _never _asked Cuddy what being a doctor was like, even when she was an intern, but with new meat she dives right in.

Cuddy almost wanted House not to answer, but to steer the conversation another way. God know's he could do it. But he looked falsely bashful for a second - had the thought not been so ludicrous - then Cuddy might have thought he was being sincere - before snapping his eyes up and smiling. "_So _rewarding," he drawled, casually waving his hand. "Really, knowing that _you're _the reason someone's walking around... It's the best feeling in the world."

Cuddy was taking a sip of water as he said that, and she skillfully managed to choke. Spurting water all over the table and sputtering, House turned to her. "Okay, honey?" He asked, patting and rubbing her back tenderly.

"Fine," she croaked. "Just choked, a little," she said glibly, focusing on House's blue eyes which were shining with delight. She could literally see just how much he was enjoying this. "But I'm sure I'll recover," she added, brushing his hand off her back.

"Good," he reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Cuddy could see her mother clasping her hands and smiling on the other side of the table. She was so see-through, Cuddy knew exactly what she was thinking... Something along the lines of "how sweet! He's obviously such a nice man."

Well, she scoffed inwardly, part of her was finding these displays of affection irritating, irritating enough that she was considering exposing him. But then he'd pout and point out that he was just doing what she asked him to, and if she didn't like that then he might as well not listen to _anything _she said.

And that would detrimentally backfire on her - with him being flippant and unhelpful (more so than usual) at every opportunity - not to mention, her family would see the real truth, the freak-show that was the love of her life.

And Cuddy didn't know if she could deal with her mother's displease, her sister's glee and House's ambivalence all at once.

So, she kept her mouth shut. She let House brush her hair back and enter a conversation with her sister's husband about the merits of palliative care against euthanasia (his opinion being: "No! While I respect others who can, I could never take a human life even just to put them out of their misery") and avoided eye contact with her mother who was still grinning like a Cheshire cat.

She just wanted to bang her head on the wood of the table and wake up back in her own bed, with her own House, and her own daughter in the next room. Not in her crazy family house where everything was judged and remembered.

She knew it was crazy, but while she loved her relatives she found being in her home environment slightly suffocating. It brought back memories of being a child, and - worse - a teenager. The time her parents had gone away, only to come early and find the house destroyed and her passed out by the pool.

Her father finding out about the Christmas where everyone had been watching the standard crappy Christmas movie and she'd been hanging out upstairs... With his best friend. Safe to say, doing it with your father's best friend while the father in question was ten metres away downstairs watching "it's a wonderful life" was not daughterly behaviour.

She still shivered at that memory, remembering the scathing feel of her dad's eyes boring into her, his anger, shock and - worst of all - utter disappointment showing clearly on his face. Even though she'd been nineteen, she'd felt about six.

Unconsciously she glanced to the bay window, remembering how mad he'd been, so mad as to throw a tumbler through a window. Although the glass had been replaced, Cuddy could swear that you could still see the cracks.

"So, I said - " House was retelling some story, everyone listening intently, gazing at him with intense admiration. It was funny, that to everyone who'd never met House, he seemed so charming and accomplished. Cuddy knew he was putting on an act, but still.

She looked at her own almost full plate, grateful for the fact that she was a grown woman and didn't have to finish her food if she didn't want to. Or so she thought, anyhow. "Lisa," her mother scolded, "you barely ate! Look at you darling, you're wasting away."

"Mom," Cuddy sighed, "I'm just not hungry."

Cue feeling like a five year old again who'd snuck some extra chocolate and didn't want to finish her broccoli.

"Greg," Evelyn whipped round to face House, "do you feed her when you're at home? Does she eat?"

"He's not my keeper!" Cuddy protested, sliding her knife and fork together on the plate, "and it's not his responsibility if I eat or not."

"But I like to look after you," he cooed, "and you should eat some more. Do you want me to go to the store and get you something?"

"Isn't that sweet?" Evelyn said, getting up from the plush dining chair and smoothing out her trousers. "Even you don't want to eat, everyone else seemed to enjoy it."

"Just because I'm not hungry doesn't mean it wasn't good!" Cuddy protested, not wanting her mother to take it personally.

"Calm down honey," Evelyn bent down and kissed her hair while clearing the plates, "don't let me get under your skin."

"Let me help you with those," House offered, getting up and taking the remaining dishes into the kitchen after Evelyn. After the two of them disappeared, Cuddy turned back to the table.

Then she huffed and sank a little lower in her chair. She glanced over at Rachel, who was very neatly eating her lunch while discussing her new Swan Lake Barbie with one of her cousins. She didn't want to appear more childish than her five year old. Rachel caught her eye as she was staring and took that as a cue.

"Mommy," she asked, "doesn't Barbie's wings come out and flash?"

"Yes sweetheart," Cuddy responded, having heard enough about that bloody Barbie that she could take it apart and put it together blindfolded.

"Can I go and get her?" Rachel asked hopefully.

"Not right now," Cuddy answered, her lip quirking up as Rachel stuck her bottom lip out. "After lunch. You don't want to get a ketchup on her, do you?"

Rachel thought. "No," she replied after a moment's deliberation.

"Okay," Cuddy exhaled, though it was more of a "calm down" to herself rather than an acknowledgement to Rachel's answer. She would have sworn that the temperature in the room was rising in the room. "I think," she said slowly, "I'm going to go for a walk."

That would calm her down definitely. Their sprawling home was located out of the way enough to be surrounded by fantastic scenery and wonderful walking paths. She could leave House to potter around, Rachel with her cousins and then meander off for an hour or two. Perfect.

"Perfect!" Julia crowed, "that's sound fantastic! If we take the shorter route the kids can play in the lake, too."

Cuddy _almost _groaned when she realised that Julia thought she meant a family walk. She was about to correct her, but then she saw the look of agreement on everyone's faces and felt too bad to mention it. Especially when a few of the kids leapt up and punched the air. "Yeah!" Jake shouted, "the lake's so cool!"

Getting the children to agree to a walk was hard enough anyway, so if they were agreeing to go she couldn't exactly stop it. Eh, at least she could be in her own head most of the time.

"Since we ate late," Julia continued, gesturing to the clock that read five past three, "if we walk and play at the lake then I'd say that'll take up most of the day."

"Great," Cuddy plastered a smile on her face, "I'll go and get ready. Come on," she held out her hand to her daughter, "we have to go get your boots."

Rachel sprinted off after Cuddy, having heard so many good things about the lake and it's tyre swing in thirty seconds that she wanted to be there _right now. _She also wanted to wear the cool new tan walking boots Mommy had bought her a few weeks ago.

As the two of them went upstairs, Cuddy could hear everyone beginning to button up and do their laces. Despite herself, she started to smile. There was such a sense of _family _that she couldn;t help but feel a little uplifted.

Pushing open the door to one of the bedrooms - the one where Rachel was sleeping - Cuddy unzipped her little pink suitcase. Inside she smiled, seeing various Barbies and toys nestled in witht eh clothes. Cuddy pulled out the cute leather boots and handed them to Rachel, who attempted lacing them herself, her little tongue sticking out with concentration.

As Rachel wrestled with the laces, Cuddy slipped into a pair of taupe shorts and did up her own boots. The skirt she'd been wearing was too tight for a walk, even a leisurely one. And anyway, she never got to wear her shorts.

At work she was always immaculately dressed, tight skirt or fitted trousers, and at home she was either in sweats, or - more commonly - nothing at all. She smoothed the cotton. It was little things like this that made her feel like she was getting a break from her life.

Shaken from her thoughts by Rachel's frustrated whine, Cuddy knelt down and began looping the laces, tying them up as quickly as she could. "There," she said with a flourish, "I'll teach you how to tie your own soon, huh?"

Rachel nodded enthusiastically. "I'm a big girl!" She clapped and smiled.

"Yes you are," Cuddy agreed, picking her up of the floor and kissing her forehead. "Go find Aunt Julia, honey. I have to find House."

Rachel didn't have to be told twice. She _loved loved loved _being with her cousins, and wanted nothing more than to spend all her time with them. Cuddy waited as she heard the little girl fly down the stairs, praying that she wouldn't hear the telltale crash and scream that may result in a concussion or broken ankle.

Silence. Good.

After affirming that Rachel had made it down safely Cuddy went to her and House's room, not at all surprised to see him lying on the soft mattress, spreadeagled on the bed. She smiled. "We're going for a walk," she said, and his neck snapped up, his eyes trained on her.

After giving her a once-over, he murmured, "I like that."

She frowned as she walked over. "You like that we're going for a walk?"

"I like how your legs look in those shorts," he amended, sitting up and drawing her closer.

Cuddy smirked as he pressed his head into her stomach. "Well, we'll be gone for a few hours, and then my legs and everything inbetween will be all yours."

"I can't wait," he muttered.

"We're all going," she told him, "so don't burn the place down." She bent down and gave him a slow, drawn-out kiss.

"I'll do my best," he answered, lightly slapping her behind as she left the room to the shouts of "Lisa!"

.

When House's eyes bleared open, he couldn't say for how long he'd been asleep. Judging by how much light was in the room - the same as when he'd drifted off - he'd say not long. Two hours, at the most.

Blinking a little and unhooking his cane he swung himself quickly out of bed, realising he only had a limited amount of time before everyone arrived back. One spawn was enough, just having that many in the same vicinity as him was giving him a headache.

Pattering downstairs, he was surprised to see Evelyn sitting at the table, nose in a book. He'd thought that everyone had gone out, but evidently he was wrong. Or rather, Cuddy had told him wrong. He wondered if he could retreat back to the bed before Evelyn saw him, but...too late.

"Greg," she smiled, placing the book on the table. "Good sleep?"

"Yeah," he murmured, "I thought C- Lisa said that everyone went out?"

"Ah," she pushed out a chair for him and, grudgingly, he sat, "my knees aren't what they used to be. I can't get very far." She looked at his leg. "But I guess you understand all about that."

He shrugged.

Evelyn leant forward. "You know, you're very different to how Lisa described you."

"Really?" He answered, humouring her.

"Yep, she always described you...callously," she said delicately. House could immediately tell that she wasn't being manipulative like Julia, just diplomatic.

"Well, I'm sure we were just in the middle of a professional disagreement," House replied.

Evelyn laughed. "You must have had an awful lot of professional disagreements then."

"I'm with you so far," he drawled, bopping his cane in his hands.

"You know," Evelyn leant forward, "Lisa went through a really hard time when she lost her father. I'm sure she told you all about it, but... Well, I want you to know that I like you. I thought I wouldn't, but I do. But she is my priority. So, just...don't hurt her."

"I won't," House replied solemnly, feeling oddly at ease enough to admit that freely.

"Good," Evelyn nodded, "because I know where you live."

House's lip quirked up in the beginnings of a smile.

"I'm serious," Evelyn reiterated, eyeing him.

"So am I," House replied, and then Evelyn finally looked satisfied, making her way into the kitchen.

* * *

A/N: God, I am sorry about the wait. I have dived deep back into the pool of academia and I've started all these big exams courses so I'm pretty busy. Fics posts will probably slow down :( and thanks to all who are reviewing, you rock!

:) xxxx


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